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Convenience Store Shopping

I’ll begin posting some stories of my follies and debacles, and there’s no better way to start than with the story of Flower.  Because of the nature of my work, I am able to create a customized schedule for when I work, and I have opted to have every Monday and Friday afternoon off so I only have half days of work to begin and end the week.  I finished my work at noon on Friday and met a friend for lunch who worked nearby.  After lunch, I walked her back to her firm.  Just outside of her building, there’s a small convenience store with tables set up for people to sit down and have a drink.  Predictably, I decided to sit down and have a beer.  I was listening to the news and enjoying my beer when a cute Korean girl walked over and sat down at the table with me.  This was weird for a couple of reasons, first because there were a lot of other available seats nearby, but also because Koreans are generally much more introverted than many people in Western cultures.  She had headphones in and didn’t take them out when she sat down, so I followed suit.  She reached into her pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes, the same brand I smoked, and got one out of the pack.  I was quick on the draw and pulled out a small lighter for her.  It was a Dove chocolate lookalike lighter that I had won in a street game, and she was absolutely enthralled by it and how adorable it was.  She introduced herself as Flower, and we struck up a conversation from there.  She decided to join me for a beer since she was also already done for the day.

Basically... Just like this. But drunker.

Basically… Just like this. But drunker.

We began drinking with a singular purpose of getting drunk and making bad decisions together, which seemed to be a more promising prospect by the drink.  After we had a few beers, I introduced Flower to a favorite alcohol consumption method of many Western college students – The Shotgun.  For those of you who don’t know, shotgunning a beer is a method of drinking an entire beer in about 5 seconds.  You poke a hole on the side of the can, near the bottom, and then turn it over into your mouth at the same time that you pop the top of the can.  The air shoots through the can, causing the beer to rush out of the can and down your thirsty alcoholic gullet very quickly.  As one might assume, this causes you to get very drunk very quickly and abandon most inhibitions about casual sex with strangers… So it was perfect for what we wanted.

Flower took quite a liking to shotgunning beers, and we drank three or four of them in a row.  It wasn’t long after that before I was bursting at the seams and had to find a bathroom very quickly.  I asked Flower if she knew of a nearby place:

Me: Hey, I’m about to piss myself.  Where is a bathroom around here?

Flower: Well this store doesn’t have one.  There’s a battered women’s shelter in this building, so they have a bathroom but men aren’t allowed to go in.

Me: Okay… Well, I don’t look enough like Boy George to pull that off, so that doesn’t help much.  I guess I’ll just pee on the side of the building.

Flower: Ah, I know!  My apartment is just around the corner, you can go there!

That was all I needed to hear to know that the deal was sealed.  I followed her around the corner to her apartment and we climbed the stairs up to the 3rd floor.  As we walked in, I noticed that she locked the door leading to the hallway, and then again the door leading into the room.  Assuming this could only be a good sign, I dashed straight into the bathroom.  When I walked out, Flower was standing next to her fridge wearing a mischievous smile.

Flower: Good news!

Me: Well you invited me up, it’s not exactly news.

Flower:  We don’t need to go downstairs!  I have some beer and soju here in my fridge!

Me: Perfect, a girl after my own heart.  Bottoms up!

We slammed the beers back and then split the soju half and half.  After she drank her part, she handed it over to me and I quickly slurped it down.  No sooner than I had brought the bottle down from my face than she took it out of my hand, tossed it on the ground, and shoved me backwards onto the bed.  She jumped on my, straddling me, and we started making out.  Within moments, she had ripped off her clothes and jumped on top of me.  This girl knew exactly what she wanted and went straight for it without a question, quickly unzipping my pants and yanking them down like shad finally found the pot of dick at the end of the rainbow.  The predictable ensued, and we banged for a while, across just about every surface in her little efficiency apartment.  Just seconds after I finish, while I’m still laying there inside of her, I hear a loud banging on the door and someone shouting in Korean.  I thought that we had been too loud and the landlord was complaining or something like that, but of course I was overestimating my new friend’s sense of fidelity.  I quickly realized that it was an angry boyfriend, and I suggested that she get rid of him.  Tell him you’re shitting, tell him you’re on a gusher of a period, whatever you need to tell him to make him go away.  She responded with this gem:

“Um… It’s a little bit of a problem because… this is actually his apartment.”

Wow.  While the hypergamy of women is now obvious to me, at the time it was an amazing shock that a girl would pick up a random guy off the street, a foreigner no less, in the middle of the day and fuck him in her boyfriend’s bed.   And then here’s the boyfriend now, knocking on his own door trying to get in, completely unaware that another guy had just been bulldozing his girlfriend sideways.

At this point, he was beginning to get quite annoyed by the door still being locked, and it showed in his voice.  Flower turned to me and asked what I was going to do about the situation.  I stared at her for a minute, a bit surprised that she expected me to solve this problem for her, then I calmly got up and dressed myself.  “I have an idea,” I announced, and walked over to the refrigerator.  Now knowing that this was a man’s apartment, I had a sneaking suspicion of what I might find inside the icebox, and sure enough, when I opened the freezer, there was half a bottle of Jack Daniels standing there.  I pulled it out and showed it to her with a big shit-eating grin on my face, as if it were a masterful work of art.  She looked at me confused as I sauntered over to the couch, sat down, and began sipping on the whiskey from the bottle.  I looked at her and said flatly, “Your boyfriend, your problem.  Figure it out.”

She let out an exasperated sigh, and went over to unlock the door and confront her now angry, and surely suspicious, boyfriend.  With one final glance back at me and my newly-found whiskey, she opened the door and he came into the apartment.  He didn’t really seem angry, mostly annoyed, asking her why the door was locked and then he suddenly saw me.  We locked eyes, I took a sip of whiskey, and he said, “Who the fuck are you?”

I explained that I had been drinking at the convenience store and his girlfriend had offered to let me use the bathroom since there wasn’t one nearby, and the girl was eagerly agreeing that we didn’t know each other, and had just met moments before.  He asked me if I was another boyfriend of hers, and I obviously said no, but it definitely made me think that this isn’t the first time she’s cuckolded him.  The boyfriend looked at me warily and asked to see my phone.  I figured that if he tried something crazy, I could always smack him with the whiskey bottle, so I obliged and handed it to him.  He immediately went to search for Flower in the contacts list, and of course, she wasn’t there.  When he saw that I had nobody in my phone with her name, he glanced at her, then back to me, handed my phone back and said, “Okay, have a good Friday.”  I immediately left, quite satisfied with myself for having already had sex and gotten sufficiently drunk, all by 6pm on Friday.

The best part of it all though?  I kept his whiskey.



Welcome to the Quarter-Life Party

Welcome.  I’m a traveling musician currently living in South Korea.  Originally from the US, since turning 21 I’ve traveled to more than 20 countries on every major continent.

After years of acquiring stories and experiences, ranging from the fantastic to the bizarre to the truly disgusting, I’ve decided it’s time to start sharing some of it with the world.  This will be a place for me to tell some of the stories as well as thoughts on life, game, and masculinity.

This will not be a place for me to tell watered down stories or pull punches, so if you’re not comfortable with hearing the nitty gritty of my crazy life, it’s best to stop reading now.  All stories are absolutely true to the best of my memory, although I drink quite a bit, which you’ll find to be a consistent theme throughout.  I’m also sure that some of my opinions and ideas will be offensive, especially to the delicate American sensibilities.  That’s too bad.

If you’re ready to read some wild stories, continue on.